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Mr. Noisy Goes to the Symphony

September 27, 2010

I think the below article might need to become a standard insert in concert programs.  Even if only that it gives you a piece of paper to crumple up and hurl at any offender who insists on giving a play-by-play for the duration of the piece (in not so subtle tones… like my seat neighbor) on the wonders of whatever as composed by so-and-so.  Or does any of the other things on the list for that matter.

Aaron Green words my sentiments so much more charmingly than I would.

Top 10 Ways to Ruin a Classical Music Concert

By , Guide

Really, why go to a classical music concert if you can’t ruin it for the people who paid just as much as you did to see it? What would be the fun of a distraction free night of beautiful music and theater? By reading this article, I’m guessing you’re feeling especially mischievous and you desire to become a nuisance to your fellow classical music concert attendees. These 10+ tips are a sure fire way to disrupt, distract, and absolutely annoy all those around you. Enjoy!

1. Bring lots of candy, preferably, individually wrapped with hard to open plastic.

One of the most annoying and inconsiderate things you can do is to unwrap candy in the middle of a performance. It is extremely distracting to those around you. If you truly want to spoil the evening for those around you, don’t unwrap all of your candy before you leave your house and put it in a cloth pouch, that way there is relatively no noise coming from you. What would be the point?

2. Cough, cackle, and clear your throat in the middle of a piece.

Don’t wait to cough and clear your throat between movements. Cough when you want to, especially during the pianissimo moments and musical pauses. If you’re particularly lucky, a recording of the performance is being made. How cool would it be if it was your giant horse cough in the opening bars of Faure’s Requiem? If you are sick, don’t bring cough drops or anything else that will keep you from coughing… but if you do, just remember to unwrap it during the performance.

3. Fall asleep.

By falling asleep, you lose control of your bodily functions. Snoring, drooling, sleep talking, involuntary movements, and even passing gas will definitely annoy all those who paid good money to attend the performance.

4. Bring young children.

What child would want to sit through 2-3 hours of classical music? Crying babies and most toddlers are the best way to annoy and inconvenience those around you. Why take them to the several concerts most orchestras perform for children each year, when you can take them to see Mahler’s 9th Symphony now!

5. Shout bravo during a performance.

Why wait until the end like everyone else? Shouting bravo or brava during the performance will guarantee the performer and the entire audience will hear your enthusiastic approval. Also, instead of shouting bravo for a man and brava for a woman, use them interchangeably. That will definitely annoy the language experts in the audience.

6. Hum, sing, and tap along.

If you love the music so much, and it’s your favorite line, don’t hesitate to sing along. Besides, the way you do it is much better than the performer, right? Also, tapping your feet to the music on the chair in front of you will make sure the person sitting in it will get the full effect of the music.

7. Leave the concert hall as many times as you need

This works best if you have seats in the middle of the row. Get up and go to the bathroom, stretch, or go grab a bite to eat as many times as you need. Stumble and fumble your way to the main isle and fall down on as many people as many times as you can. Use the people’s heads as a hand rail if you have to.

8. Bring a large flash light

Why bring an inexpensive book light or LED light to see your program when the lights go out, when you can bring a 1,000 candle power flood light and light up the entire performance hall? And while you’re at it, become your own lighting technician and light up parts of the stage you think are too dark.

9. Bring a video game.

Bring the latest Game Boy or PSP and forget the headphones at home. The music and sounds of the game are important to you, so you’ll have to turn it way up to overcome the orchestra.

10. What other things should I keep in mind?

  • Leaning forward in a balcony seat often blocks the view of the person behind you.
  • Shuffle through the pages of your program.
  • Come to the concert directly after heavy labor… without bathing.
  • Go crazy with perfume and cologne. It will make everyone around you nauseous.
  • Use the seat next to you as your coat rack. And if the people who bought the ticket to that seat show up, tell them just to move down one.
  • Don’t really turn off your cell phone during the performance.
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